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The Colder Side of Fire

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30th August 2016

2:40pm: Awakening
everything is clear in the rear view mirror
the coast highway and the golden hour
only love
nothing was lost

everything fits when you tell your story
the blurry portraits in the halls of former lovers
gone
but nothing was lost

you'll always be a part of me
you gave me a song to sing
dancing in your room
innocent and true
elvis tattoo on your shoulder
we'll know better when we're older

you'll always be a part of me
some wounds will always sting
forever in full bloom
barely twenty two
summer days are growing colder
we'll know better when we're older

all of this was planned when the world was started
the red blood hearts
the final word was never said
i'm tossing in my bed

but everything is clear in the rear view mirror
when nothing is left
the lights of evening round us shine pink and silver skies

you'll always be a part of me
you gave me a song to sing
dancing in your room
innocent and true
elvis tattoo on your shoulder
we'll know better when we're older

you'll always be a part of me
some wounds will always sting
forever in full bloom
barely twenty two
summer days are growing colder
we'll know better when we're older
Current Mood: nostalgic

6th February 2010

1:57pm: Finally... another update. :D
Everything in my life is going extremely well right now.

I have a job in which my main functions are creative, productive and learning-oriented. I feel as though the latent genius aspect within me has surfaced again, and from a personal development perspective, everything is falling into place. The only thing I don't have that I want right now is a degree, and I'm undecided whether or not it's worth it to pursue at this point.

My communication skills have increased immensely over the past year, and I'm able to put into words those previously insane concepts floating around in my head. All of these years of contemplation and analysis of the world around me have paid off with a base level AND a global level of understanding of my environments, the people around me, the expectations of the people around me, and an acceptance of circumstances that can and cannot be changed. As a contrast, I've reached a point where I'm no longer having sudden moments of realization, but a more continuous clarity, where all of these things I've learned have coalesced into a simple and understandable intuition rather than a conscious thought process. I've learned to trust myself on a much higher level.

I almost feel as though I'm capable of stepping into my own roles and stepping out of them on some sort of morose or twisted level of detachment. I can see myself in the moment, or I can see myself in the long term, or I can see myself as more than just what I am right now; I've begun to be able to conceptualize with remarkable detail not just who I am now, but the function of who I am and have become over time. It's a strange feeling to, within the span of a few seconds, make a life-changing decision, analyze what factors contributed to that decision, and progress with an unwavering confidence. I enjoy this change.


My life lessons over the years have come to a startling single wave of clarity in that people are not people by choice, but by circumstance. The very concept of free will is something that used to drive me crazy, but no more. In the same light that no more can a person truly objectively contemplate why it has thought or feeling or perception, they cannot truly objectively contemplate free will. I recognize that the sum of my past experiences has lead me to pursue this field of thought.

I think the fact that we will only ever know our own consciousness is unfortunate, because it means that I will never really know another person. To fully understand another person would be to have experienced every moment of internal and external stimuli, and that is unfortunately not yet possible. Unpredictability in the behavior of another person is a symptom of differences between our own thought processes, in that we would assume they would act a certain way based on visibly evaluated criteria; when they do not act that way, we assume that they're unpredictable.

This phenomenon creates the illusion of "free will"; it's not that our will is free, it's just that our decisions are affected by a wide array of factors (some of which we are and are not consciously aware of), and our own subjective consciousness, as it's the only one that we'll ever experience, is unique. We perceive different decisions and actions of others as free will, and consider our responses and actions to be free will because we are not consciously aware of all of the factors influencing our decisions.

From a fourth dimensional perspective, the analysis would be that if you were to plot our individual current and past existences on some theoretical graph, then the future existences would be completely predictable if you knew all of the internal and external stimuli that would impact that existence.


This being said, the reality of life is not such an unfeeling thing. Though my philosophical outlook on the backbone of existence is not the warmest of ideas, there's a wonderful beauty that looms over it. The entire concept that I've overlooked throughout is that it's not the end result of one's life that determines its quality or its value. Why it's taken me this long to truly understand it I may never really know, but even with all of the above, I absolutely value happiness and success. I now see passion and drive as the ultimate of virtues and goals, even above logic and reason.

I will continue to dedicate my life to helping those around me achieve both success and happiness. I will use the ability of understanding that I have to try to help others understand not just who they are, but also who they want to be and what they want to achieve.

So what if people are just a function of their circumstances? I'll be a positive influence. So what if I'll never really know someone? I enjoy learning what I can about them. So what if I'll never understand everything that influences my decisions? If I did, then I wouldn't have time to really enjoy the results of making those decisions.

So what if free will is an illusion? It makes things far more simple that way. :)

28th July 2009

4:53am: Life Lesson #6

I am only happy when I'm completely miserable. This will not change. I am who I am.

19th April 2009

11:46pm: Life Lesson #5: It's not what you can do that makes you who you are, it's discretion.

25th March 2009

12:30am:

12th March 2009

10:49pm: Twitter
I just made a twitter. Maybe it'll solve the issue of posting when I'm not near a computer, which is usually when I want to write something down or post something.

Anyone else use it? What do you think of it?

2nd December 2008

2:25am: Desert Bus

4th November 2008

6:07pm: Guitar Hero: World Tour?
Has anyone bought Guitar Hero: World Tour? If yes, how is it? How do the drums hold up?

I'm very interested in learning more about it before I buy it. :D

30th June 2008

2:02am: I usually don't do this
For anyone here during the weekend, we all know what a fucking amazing time was had by everyone.

If anyone did NOT have an amazing time, let me know.

Second of all, what a whirr of emotion.

Third of all, if you haven't heard Reflection by Tool, listen to it right now by whatever means necessary.


I have come curiously close to the end, down
Beneath my self-indulgent pitiful hole,
Defeated, I concede and move closer
I may find comfort here.
I may find peace within the emptiness,
How pitiful.

It's calling me...

And in my darkest moment, fetal and weeping
The moon tells me a secret, my confidant
As full and bright as I am
This light is not my own and
A million light reflections pass over me
The source is bright and endless
She resusitates the hopeless
Without her, we are lifeless satellites drifting

And as I pull my head out I am without one doubt
Don't wanna stay down here surving my narcissism
I must crucify the ego before it's far too late
I pray the light lifts me out
Before I pine away.

So crucify the ego, before it's far too late
And leave behind this place so negative and blind and cynical
And you will come to find that we are all one mind
Capable of all that's imagined and all conceivable
So let the light touch you and let the words spill through
Just let them pass right through bringing out our hope and reason
Before we pine away.

11th May 2008

1:35am: Speed Racer IMAX
I went to see Speed Racer in the Rochester IMAX today. You may not believe me, but I'm not a fan of the anime and I absolutely loved this movie. I recommend everyone see it, seriously. It's is absolutely fantastic.

26th July 2007

10:00pm: I thought that maybe over time, I'd be able to feel like I exist again. Independently.

I'd like to be more than a facade of appearances and reactions. My head is spinning, and it's like what I've tried to become keeps dying, every single day.

Simply riding the wave was the only option for a while; a new outlook leads to new thoughts.

------------------

I've switched jobs, and become relatively monetarily secure. However, with the change of jobs comes a stark realization that nothing has changed at all.


Five and a half years now, to the day, and I thought I could get away from being a dissolved piece of shit. Why do I keep clinging to what I now know to be insane illusions of grandeur? I am a fucking moron. I'm not ignorant. I am gone.

13th January 2007

1:08pm: Wow
I finally got my license. =D

17th October 2006

6:02pm: DDR!
I went to NYC and took 2nd in the "National DDR Tournament" at Digital Life. Played the best DDR I've ever played in my life, most of the days. =D $1500 prize for 2nd, and I was ahead by a bit when I lost the last song. =( Good trip, great people, and even better times ahead, I'm sure.
4:49pm: DDR!
Anyone want to go play DDR this Friday up in Fulton on SuperNova? Let me know, I'm taking the car up. Seats SEVEN at most.

23rd December 2005

3:29am: New Year's Resolution, if there is such a thing.

Total honesty.

9th December 2005

4:02am: Through the course of your existence, in pursuing the definition of your existence and existence itself, you'll want to try to escape what it means to be human, you'll want to achieve something more than a inside-out view on the world. You'll want to understand the global nature of things, as opposed to the nature of things as they deal with you. But when you reach that point, you will have no idea as to where to progress.

Life Lesson #4: Once you've seen something, it can't be unseen.


I've never felt like this before, but I'm questioning if I want to continue pursuing this meaning. I think the running's caught up with me.

22nd October 2005

12:23am: Rest in peace, Captain Jack.

10th September 2005

4:30pm: Today, September 10th, is like the best day Syracuse has ever had. Sunny, temperature is perfect, a little breeze, everyone seems friendly today. It's AMAZING

17th August 2005

10:32am: Otakon
Otakon

12th August 2005

1:59am: Life
Life for me is good.

At this point, I have a job that's decent enough to sustain everything I would need, and I thoroughly enjoy just about every second that I'm there. I'm going to college in Spring '06. I'm self-confident in just about every respect, more so than I've ever been before. I wake up and I feel good. I wake up and I do what I want to do at any given point. I feel safe and resolute. My intelligence has returned, and I can once again control it when need be. I have an incredible roommate, an amazing group of friends, and the will to expand my mind and horizons. I have a car, giving me access to actually doing whatever I want to do on my schedule. I almost never feel sick, save a random day of allergies.

I have almost everything I want for right now.

3rd August 2005

12:25pm: Car time!
Well, I have a car now. On the bad side, I don't have a license to drive it.

I need people over 21 willing to teach me to drive. I mean, I can do it, I'm just not entirely confident. I need peeps who are licensed to sit in the car with me while I drive it around. I'm pretty safe, so you won't get hurt.. much. Anyone down with this? I got a few people willing to help already, but any help is good help.

Thanks. =D

25th July 2005

11:21pm: I need to stop only looking for the good in people. It's sorta dangerous, because no matter how much you find, you'll always find something else that doesn't sit well.

6th July 2005

3:45am: The best LJ entry ever
This is going to be the best Live Journal entry ever.

I want you to reply to this. It'll be a quick, cut and dry reply. Just reply with

"FUCK SALT"

in your reply. Do it for me, please? And tell everyone you know to reply to this. Thanks. =D
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